Emily's Bug
by Zippy Zapmeister
Summary: JJ and Reid are having a date at Reid's house...and Emily can't help but spy!
1. Chapter 1

"You did _what?"_ Derek whispers. Emily walks briskly to Garcia's office door.

"I planted a bug in Spencer's house. So?" Prentiss hisses. She opens the door, and Penelope shamefully turns away.

"Oh, Baby Girl, you're in on this too? What Spencer and JJ do is none of you guys' business. Besides, they're just friends. There's nothing juicy." Derek scolds.

"She forced me to track it, honey, I couldn't resist that gorgeous face," Garcia whimpers.

Emily gives a charming smile, which makes Derek shudder. This wasn't right.

"Turn it off. Now, Penelope, I mean it-" Derek is cut off by the door to the office shutting and locking.

"You wanted to be nosy? No turning back now," Prentiss shrugs.

"I ought to-"

_"How about Derek today, huh?"_

They freeze at Reid's voice, coming through the headset. Derek picks it up, slipping it on his head.

_"What, him man-handling the unsub? Everyday thing."_

_"He's all like 'rawr, I'm bigger than you, so you're weaker'."_

Reid and JJ laugh, Derek frowning. Next they hear JJ making a crack at Hotch.

_"Then Hotch is firing his gun off like fireworks on Independence Day. He sleeps with that thing."_

_"Yeah, like 'pew, pew pew, pew'!"  
_  
Emily, Derek and Penelope laugh, the set loud enough for all of them to listen. Derek unplugs it, turning it down.

_"Did you see Emily's outfit? You see it and it's like, 'bam, tits',"_ Reid cackles, JJ joining in.

_"Were you looking?" _JJ whispers, and Reid clears his throat.

_"What, are you jealous?" _Reid slurs. It was obvious they were drunk.

_"No, no. Just a question. Hey, don't give me that look..."_ They hear a glass slamming down.

_"What look?"_

_"I just need to let you know, that if I wanted penis from you, I could get it." _Prentiss then turns it down some more. Now it was starting to get interesting and this was just the moment for Aaron to walk in.

_"Well do ya?"_

_"Do I what?"_

_"Do you want penis from me?" _Both of them start laughing.

_"And if I said yes...?"_ JJ dares. All three of the listeners lean in.

"_Hey, I don't call the shots here."_

_"What if you did?" _JJ snaps.

_"Well,_" Reid scoffs,"_I'd do what I wanted._"

"_What might that be?"_

_"Lots of questions and ifs here."_ Reid shot back.

_"Hey, if you're gonna fuck me, just give me a warning before you tear my clothes off._"

_"You've been warned."_ They can practically hear the smirk in Reid's voice.

All three of them listen intently before a glass breaks, and Morgan, on instinct, reaches for his holster. Prentiss pats him on the head twice, smiling.

"What was that?" Morgan rasps.

"Just listen," Prentiss grins.

Morgan leans in even closer, then he heard it. The moaning and groaning and smacking sounds and..._ew._

"_Are they about to have-"_

"Hush, my sweetness," Garcia whispers. They all gasp and Morgan turns purple when they hear a belt unbuckling.

"They're probably on the table," Emily says in awe.

"_God, Spence, you have no idea how long I've waited for this." _Morgan gags. This was disgusting. He reaches for the door, and Prentiss stops him."It's too late now."

He gulps, listening. He nearly runs into the wall when he hears a light moan.

_"Oh, Spencer...yes..."_

"Okay!" Morgan growls."I'm out of here." He turns, but Prentiss pulls him back by his t-shirt.**  
**

_"Spence, oh God. Please stop...stop teasing me. Spencer, I want you,"_ JJ pants, to which Emily's eyes widen. Confused, Derek pokes her.

"What's the face for, Prentiss?" Derek whispers.

"Well, I'm just thinking, if he's teasing her, what's he doing?" Emily shrugs, and Penelope puts a hand to her mouth.

"Sweet old Reid going down on somebody? JJ, even? No. It can't-" She sputters.

_"Oh, Spencer, fuck. Do that thing with your tongue again. Oh-yes, Reid."_

_"You like that, huh?"_ Morgan grips Garcia's swivel chair.

"Is that..._Reid...talking dirty? _What. The. Fuck." Morgan tries not to vomit.

"_Oh, Spencer-oh, please, Spencer, why are you stopping..."_

_"Beg for it." _Morgan's brows furrow in disbelief.

"She's not gonna do it. She wouldn't," Morgan shakes his head.

_"Spencer! Oh, Jesus Christ, Spencer, keep going, please."_

_"How about this..."_ Penelope blushes.

"They're gonna do it. They. Are going. To do it." Penelope nearly shuts the system down, but a glare from Prentiss stops her in her tracks.

"Not now, Pen. You gotta hold off, I'm sure this won't take long," Emily smirks, and Morgan says,"I'm gonna throw up."

"Well," Prentiss says, ears trained on the speaker,"If you're going to, do it quietly, because this is getting good."

_"Shit, JJ."_ All three listeners were startled by the deep, husky moan coming from the speaker."_You're so tight, Jennifer."_

_"Spencer Reid! Fuck me faster, Reid..."_ Penelope starts to giggle when they hear the increasingly loud squishing sounds, and the table rocking.

_"Ew_! Oh hell no, ewwww!" Morgan shrieks. Prentiss shakes her head quickly and tries to cover his mouth. He bites her and when she pulls her hand away, he continues to scream.

_Knock, knock, knock._

_"Morgan?!_ Are you okay in there?" They hear Hotch's alarmed voice coming from the other side of the door, and before Emily or Garcia could stop him, he unlocks the door and swings the door open.

"No, Hotch, I'm being ear-raped by two of your agents!"

Hotch gives him a confused look before his eyes dart to Penelope, then Emily, then...the speaker.

_"Reid! Faster, Spencer, I'm so close!"_

_"_Hotch, we can explain," Emily says slowly, to which Hotch closes and locks the door. He plugs in the headset and sets it on his head.

_"Come for me, JJ." _Reid growls.

_"Oh, Spence! Spence, I'm...fuck...oh, yes..."_ They all shift a little when they hear the table rocking faster, even faster, then it slows down, and then it stops.

_"JJ...wow," _Reid pants.

"_I'm sorry. It usually doesn't...feel like that, I'm...speechless."_

_"Well, that's easy to explain. Every woman has a g-spot, located in the-" _Reid begins to slur.

_"Spencer, shut up."_ They can hear the smile in JJ's voice.

Hotch takes the headset off and slams it on the desk, making the three younger agents jump.

"You all...are in very big trouble...if this gets out. I don't care what you do in your private time. But keep this under wraps. If you want your jobs." They could see the small smile on Aaron's face.

Hotch exits at that and Emily slaps Morgan as soon as he leaves.

"You idiot! We would've got fired if it wasn't for the fact that Hotch thought that was funny!" Emily hisses.

Morgan scoffs."Whatever. Baby Girl, this isn't recording, right?"

Penelope turns her chair away and begins typing quickly.

"You evil little...I'm outta here." Morgan flinches and turns to leave, before he hears Reid's voice, small and quiet.

_"JJ, I think I'm in love with you."_

Morgan starts to hyperventilate before Reid speaks again.

"_I'm sorry. We're probably going to forget this in the morning. I shouldn't have-"_

_"I would never forget the moment where Spencer Reid confessed his love to me. I've been waiting, actually."_

_"Waiting?" _Reid squeaks.

"_I honestly thought you would shoot me down."_

_"Aw, JJ, what kind of excuse is that?!" _Reid laughs, and all three were pretty sure he was blushing.

_"You weren't giving me the green light and I wasn't taking any chances." _JJ was giggling drunkenly, too.

_"Wow. I never thought-woah, JJ," _Reid sighs, and another glass falls off of the table.

"_Hmm. It's not hard to tell that nobody's given you head before."_

_"Uh-um-no, actually." _They hear a moan on Reid's part."_JJ, wow, I..."_

"Okay." Prentiss huffs."You never ever give a guy a blowjob on the first date! What is wrong with her?! We are having a big talk tomorrow. Cut it off and put it on a CD for me, Garcia. This right here is an issue."

xXxXx

"JJ, we need to talk." Prentiss slams down her laptop and sits in front of JJ's desk, fuming.

"Sure, what's up?" JJ looks up from her own laptop and closes it, cocking her head.

"Give me a list of three things you _never do _on the first date." Prentiss sits back, arms folded.

"What?"

"Just do it!"

JJ clears her throat."Okay. You never wear something too revealing. You never talk too much about yourself. And you never give a blowjob."

"Say that one again!" Prentiss pouts.

"...You never talk too much about yourself?" JJ smiles.

"Nope. You never give..."

"A blowjob. Is there any reasoning behind this?"

Prentiss opens her laptop, sliding a CD in the drive. She turns it to JJ and opens up the player, then fast-forwards to where she thinks the right place is.

_"Woah, JJ!"_

_"Hmm. It's not hard to tell that nobody's given you head before."_

JJ gasps and slams the laptop closed on Emily's hand."Prentiss! I don't know where that came from, I-"

Prentiss shakes her head,"How dare you lie right to my face! Did you spend the night over there? Did you guys horse around all night?"

JJ sheepishly says,"Yeeees. So what?"

"Was it just a one-night stand?"

"Emily Prentiss!" JJ gets up and closes her office door. She angrily stomps back over to her chair, grinning like a fool.

"Was it? Or do you love him?"

"No, Prentiss, I...I really think I'm falling for him. _Hard. _Now tell me, who recorded that?!"

It was Prentiss' turn to grin bashfully,"I placed a bug in Spencer's house. Me, Morgan and Garcia listened in on it. Hotch even heard you...uh...yeah."

"He heard me _what? _He heard me _what_?!" JJ said, standing up in a fury.

"Y'know, the big 'O'," Emily shrugs.

"Oh, Jesus Christ, Emily!"

"Hey, all the times you used the Lord's name in vain last night, you're already going to hell, why not lose your job?" Emily chuckles, but JJ was in no mood for jokes.

"Man, oh man. Does Spencer know? Does he know you recorded him? He'll probably have a panic attack, the poor thing," JJ whimpers just thinking of it.

"If you're going to fuck the man, step out of mommy mode for three seconds, jeez! He'll handle it just fine."

_"Pretty Boy! Bow-chicka-wow-wow! You dirty dog!"_

JJ and Prentiss look out of the window to JJ's office, noticing Morgan talking to Reid standing by the coffee machine. Morgan was _so _loud. JJ sighs and buries her face in her hands.

They see Spencer say some words to Morgan, who leans over and whispers in Reid's ear.

Reid promptly faints.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: **_**So everyone wanted a sequel to Emily's Bug with Derek and Emily...so here you go, my darlings!**_

xXxXx

_Revenge._

That was the only word running through Spencer Reid's mind as he walks down the hallway to the BAU, fresh out of the hospital with a shitload of big-ass bandages on his head. He gives a smile to everyone he passes, even Derek and Prentiss. Ah, revenge. A dish best served freezing fucking cold.

He continues to walk down the hallway, resisting the urge to skip and throw flowers on the carpet, singing some cheesy song from SpongeBob Squarepants. How about...Best Day Ever?

"It's the beeeeeeest daaaaay eeeeeveeeeerrrr!" Reid sings aloud, a hop in his step, his messenger bag slapping against his thigh.

It totally was the best day ever.

Best.

Served.

Cold.

xXxXx

_What the fuck?  
_  
Emily Prentiss could only think that as Spencer Reid walked past her. How the hell...?

The kid is right out of the ER. Why is he so cheery? Emily was shocked, sort of terrified.

Hold up, hold the phone.

Now he's _singing._ Spencer Reid, _singing. _She smiled weakly, then stares at him when he walks by, smile gone.

"Holy hell." Prentiss murmurs."The apocalypse is closer than we thought." She shrugs and walks away, pondering.

xXxXx

_You are sexy. No _you're _sexy. No, no no, you...Hold on, if that isn't Spencer Reid..._

Morgan turns away from the bathroom mirror in disbelief, disrupting his self-sexing. He stares at Reid, eyes chocolate slits. Reid was touching his bandages up in front of the mirror, grinning like an idiot. Morgan sensed no after-orgasm glow. He didn't have a new Star Wars comic book in his hand. What is going on with Spencer? Reid turns to Morgan, staring and grinning like something out of The Shining. Morgan loses the erection he had gained by looking at himself.

"Why, hello, Morgan. How are you? I'm awesome! Well, I'll catch you later. Continue making your one-man porno." Reid skips out of the door like a Banana Split, all jolly. Morgan turns back to the mirror, sighing to his reflection in the mirror.

_You're hot as fuck, but I can't get it up for you right now. I got to go investigate._

xXxXx

_Hot damn, he's happy! That makes for good sex, right_?_ By the time I've had my way, his ass will be back in the ER._

JJ couldn't ignore the thought and couldn't resist her silent cheer. She does a fist pump quickly then turns back to her computer, glancing at her boyfriend as he walks by. She types happily, a sly grin on her face. She then turns confusedly to the window again. Why is Reid going into Garcia's office? Oh well. As long as is penis is still in full function, all is well.

xXxXx

_Run._

Garcia nearly wet herself from the evil grin that Reid gave her, her thought very very clear. She gets up from her chair, walking backwards as he walks towards her. When he gets her into the corner, she says,"Umm, I think I'm gonna go now, kay thanks bye!" Garcia tries to bum rush Reid but his skinny frame blocks the door as he cackles,"Oh, no you don't. You wanna spy, huh? With Derek, and Prentiss, even Hotch? Then why can't we spy together, hm, Penelope? We're all friends here." Garcia's lip trembles.

"Call. JJ. Now. No funny stuff."

"Or else what?!" Garcia dares, then Reid brandishes a water bottle from behind his back. He takes the cap off, then stretches it out towards her computer equipment.

"Please!" She cries out."Please, God, Spencer, you wouldn't!"

Spencer smirks,"Then do it."

Penelope, shaking and almost in tears, picks up the phone and dials JJ's office number.

"Hello? JJ, come quick, please!" Garcia hangs up and Reid grins, recapping the bottle.

"Good girl. That's a goooood girl." Reid smirks evilly. He tosses the water bottle up in the air, then scoops it up. When JJ knocks on the door, Reid swings it open, smiling genuinely.

"Hey, JJ," He says softly. JJ gives him a nod, then pats his bandages. She tries not to giggle. She next catches wind of Penelope's frightened face.

"Penny? What's wrong?"

Penelope starts to speak, but Spencer interrupts and smirks,"Well, we're getting our payback, JJ."

JJ shakes her head furiously."I want to be no part of this," JJ gulps."Nope. Not doing it. Spencer, I'm surprised at you."

Spencer says quietly,"Here's how it goes. I spiked every single drink in Emily's house, water, tea, and alcohol, so when Derek comes over to supposedly 'review the case', they will get drunk and silly as Peter Griffin. Not too long after I left, Penelope showed up at the Prentiss household-"

"Against my will," Penelope says frantically.

"Yes," Reid says impatiently,"against her will. Anyway, she showed up to the unsuspecting Prentiss' house and placed a bug in the form of a knick-knack. A vague one. So, whatever they do, we will hear and will be able to record. So! Are you in, JJ?"

JJ sighs, then says,"Payback time."

xXxXx

_"That doesn't make sense, though, Prentiss. The killer's MO changed various times. Strangling, gun shots, knives, poison...we all know what that means." _Morgan says, sipping his wine loudly and unknowingly.

_"Yeah, these are done out of anger. But poison, you have to be patient for. Especially with the type he_ used."

_"Y'know, Emily,_" Derek was probably flashing his unmistakable trademark grin. Reid, JJ and Garcia all turn from their separate activities. They were bored at first, but now, maybe not anymore.

_"What's that, Morgan?"_

_"You didn't invite me over just to study the case, did you?" _The three listeners couldn't tell, but Morgan was leaning forward intently.

_"Whatcha mean?"_

_"I know you're trying to get it up. Admit it." _Morgan says, stumbling over his words."_You want this big, black-"_

_"Hold it," _Emily giggles."_You egotistical bastard. Nobody's thinking about you. Even if I was..."_

_"What? Spencer and JJ weren't afraid to get it on. We all know Rossi and Strauss still are in love. What about us?"_ Garcia snickers at that. They hear Morgan getting up, his chair scraping the floor.

_"What about Penelope? And Hotch?"_

_"Garcia totally has the hots for Hotch. She told me! And Hotch likes thick women."_ JJ nearly topples over laughing, coughing and crying with laughter.

"He does?! Oh my gosh! What the hell? And Penelope? Care to explain?!" She giggles.

"It was a long time ago!" Penelope argues."He was giving his death glare, and we all know it's sexy." JJ nods, to which Spencer folds his arms, pouting.

_"I dunno, Derek. If the team finds out, we'll-"_

_"Let's do this, Prentiss. It'll be a one-time thing. I mean, it's not like we have feelings for each other."_ Silence followed soon after, then JJ realizes what happened.

"I think Prentiss likes Derek! I mean, she's obviously upset by what Derek said." JJ frowns. Derek could be such an asshole sometimes, and all three knew that Morgan had a thing for Emily.

_"Yeah. No feelings. Friends with benefits sort of thing?"_

_"Exactly,"_ Derek said. Little did the other four know, he was secretly upset that Prentiss didn't care for a real relationship between them. He had worked up all the courage, and all he got was sex.

_"Okay. Sooooo. How do you wanna do this?" _Prentiss chuckles nervously.

_"Well, for starters..._" They hear Morgan's heavy footfalls going in Emily's direction, and then a soft moan.

"The stupid bastard had the nerve to kiss her," JJ mumbles. Garcia gasps while Reid snickers.

"How dare you, Jareau! As beef jerky as he may be, he is not a bastard!" Garcia pouts.

_"Take it off, mama," _Derek chuckles lowly. They hear a rustle of clothing.

_"Oh, Morgan. Like that,"_ Emily sighs.

_"Lose the last name."_ Derek smirks._"We might as well get properly acquainted, don't you think?_"

"Ew," Reid squeaks, scrunching up his face.

_"Derek! Another..."_ JJ and Garcia giggle, while Reid gulps.

_"You want another finger? Huh?"_ Derek growls.

_"Yes. Fuck!"_

_"Okay, here it comes."_ They hear Prentiss moan.

_"Derek!"_ All three hear a low squishing sound, growing faster.

_"Ugh...Derek, kiss me..."_

"This is gross. I don't understand how they could push through it." Reid says, trying to push down the bile in his throat.

"Because," JJ shrugs,"We didn't sound that nasty-"

Garcia interjects,"The lies you tell, Jennifer. The lies you tell." JJ gapes, ready to retort when they hear a needy moan coming from Prentiss' mouth.

_"Take me, Derek," _she blurts.

_"Come on, Emily. You can do better than that."_

_"Please, Derek! Fuck me,"_ she breathes.

_"Here goes, baby girl."_ The three listeners hear a simultaneous moan, coming from both of the unknowing agents.

_"God, Derek, you're _so big!"

Reid gags,"Oh my god. Please cut it off, pretty please..."

"We're in deep, Spence," JJ whispers."In too deep."

_"Oh, Em. Yeah, baby! Ride me," _Derek growls."_Ride me faster._"

_"Derek, Derek," _Emily hisses."_I'm coming."_

_"Yeah, come all over me!"_

They hear a string of moans coming from both, then heavy panting.

_"Wow, Derek, that was..."_

Derek, grinning, says,"_Phenomenal? Extraordinary? Hot?"_ He chuckles.

"Alright, guys," JJ says."I think we're done here. And I've got a plan."

xXxXx

"So. We have a case in New Orleans, with an unsub who makes his victims call 911, before killing them while the operator is on the phone," JJ says, unusually happy. Reid was grinning, and Garcia, on the laptop screen, had a sheepish look.

"Here's the recording," she says smoothly. She pushes the button on the clicker, and a recording comes up. But...it wasn't the right one, not the 911 recording.

_"Derek, Derek, I'm coming."_

_"Y__eah, come all over me__!"_ Derek and Emily instantly start blushing, while Reid giggles until he can't breathe.___  
_

"Uh-I-uh-Hotch, we can-" Emily starts.

"Maybe if I rewind it..." JJ mumbles. She holds a button and a different part of the recording plays.

_"Spencer and JJ weren't afraid to get it on. We all know Rossi and Strauss still are in love. What about us?"_

_"What about Penelope? And Hotch?"_

_"Garcia totally has the hots for Hotch. She told me! And Hotch likes thick women."_

Rossi hangs his head, blushing furiously, Penelope logging off, while Hotch says,"JJ, stop the recording."_  
_

"It won't..." JJ grumbles. This time, she wasn't kidding.

"Oh...my...God." Derek says, sighing.

"Well...at least Hotch and Garcia can-" Reid shrugs, after getting over his giggle attack.

"Well how do you know we don't already have something?!" Hotch yells.

They all pause, wide-eyed.

"Soooooo," Reid says slowly."Who's listening in on the bug we're planting?"

Everybody raises their hand except Hotch.


End file.
